So, I've been staying off of facebook this month. One reason I chose to do it was so I could research some additional adoption agencies, and see if we could connect with one or two in an effort to be matched up with the child God has for our family.
I am struggling on so many levels. First, there's that general ache, wanting to be a mommy, yet not having a child. God is faithful, and I am content most of the time, but this past week in particular, it has been very hard. Next, there has been some rejection. I have contacted two agencies that told me they limit the number of out-of-state couples they work with, and they just can't take any more right now. I'm also struggling with fear. I asked one of the agencies if they could provide some recommendations, and when I did a search a the place they suggested, I found articles & blogposts about ethics violations, loss of license, and scary stuff like that. I don't want to be so eager to adopt a baby that I fall victim to shady people who just want our money. On the flip side, though, I don't want to be suspicious of every agency I find.
I want to be patient and wait with grace. Yet, if God would have us find "our baby" with another agency, I don't want miss out because I was complacent and never attempted to contact other agencies. YET, I don't want to run ahead of God's will or kick in a door that He has shut. I took a deep breath and called an agency today; I left a voicemail message without crying and was very proud of myself. However, they saw my # on the caller ID (I had cycled back to the operator station a couple of times while deciding who to leave a message for, and as a result their phone rang a lot...) so they thought I had called several times, and they called me back. I should have been glad to get to talk to someone so quickly, but instead I was fighting tears during my conversation with the caseworker, and I cried when I hung up the phone. Tears have been streaming through most of my typing of this post, actually. I don't want to be an emotional wreck, but sometimes my emotions well up A LOT when I have to talk about our situation to someone who doesn't know us.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to stop looking for additional agencies and go back to surfing through facebook, but then, I won't really learn anything about myself or about truly leaning on HIM through the tough stuff if I just avoid the tough stuff and spend my time on mindless games.
God, I trust You. You are faithful to Your people. Your Word does not return void. I believe we are on an adoption journey because it's where You called us to be. It's just really hard right now. In my weakness, be strong for me.
